The OH

Why the hell do relationships have to be so dang difficult? seriously.

I need a vacation. from pre-tirement (aka, 'funemployment'), theft, accidents and accusations.

I feel a little bit sheepish about the fact that, for me, a vacation consists of a trip to the midwest. The snowy, cold, higher unemployment and more depressed state of Ohio. I never thought I would say it, but, I need to visit America's heartland. Hopefully that sentiment rings true in my heart and I will find some solace in the simpler way of life.

the whiskey dick of dates.

I apologize for the graphic nature of the title of this blog post, but, I've spent several days trying to figure out what else to call it, and I just couldn't come up with any title more appropriate. So, onto the said date...

Mr. Sisters. I've written about him previously. He has a keen ability to ask amazing, thoughtful questions. Witty banter abounds in our emails. He gets it. He seems to get me. We talk on the phone and minus a few awkward pauses (kind of like that part of making out when he tries to take your shirt off and it gets stuck on your head) its good. So, Mr. Sisters and I make plans to go out on a date. Great! I'm excited. I think "how can it not be good? we obviously connect. We obviously will have a great time. Obviously."

Obviously, my blind optimism that has somehow consumed my soul as of late still has some work to do on its accuracy in predicting the future. We meet for dinner at a restaurant where I live (about 25 minutes, and apparently another universe from where he lives). I tell him the wrong name of the restaurant (because I'm a genius, or I just recently moved back to the area).

He pulls up... In his GEO METRO. A red, circa 1994 geo metro. When he walks over to where I'm standing near the restaurant he then exclaims: "I would have parked over here, but, I didn't want you to get jealous of 'The Red Dragon'". What? Did I just hear that right? You have a nickname for that thing you call a car and are obviously very, very proud of? Awesome! Good for you! (There's that optimism coming out again...)

Ok, let me pause and make a disclaimer here. I am not someone who is big into guys needing to drive really nice, new, expensive cars. I'm a realist and know that my car is nothing to do jumping jacks about. However, I also know that I'm not going to talk about how amazing my car is, let alone give it a nickname that equates it with a powerful, mythical creature. Let that be known.

From there, the date continues as one would expect. There's pad thai, a couple beers. A few awkward "shirt over the head" type of moments. But, overall, no fireworks. No "I hope he can't see how excited I am about him based on my facial expressions!" moments. More like "I hope he can't see how confused and disappointed I am with this date." moments.

In the end, we went to a bar for a drink after dinner, before we were supposed to go see a movie. When he wasn't excited about the fact that I told him my best friend and I had recently submitted our names to be on "Wheel of Fortune" for "Best Friends Week" I knew it just wasn't right. How can you not be excited about that but go on for paragraphs via email about how exciting you think it is that I have a dog who I frequently put sweaters on?!? I don't get it. How can you be someone who shows an amazing amount of depth and emotional maturity online, but, you've never lived away from home and had moments of real life maturity? Again, I don't get it. Furthermore, who keeps their debit card in a plastic sleeve. Honestly. I should have ended it there. Someone must really be confused about their identity if they drive a geo, but are so anal-retentive they keep their debit card neatly packaged.

So, in the meantime I'm left here wondering what is worse: To experience these great conversations in the world of technology only to have no excitement in real life. To be left turned on and hot emotionally but cold and dried up physically? Or, to have excitement and passion, with no real depth? To meet someone and be able to see them and say to yourself "this is bad news." but do it anyways because you know it'll be fun?

Maybe I'll just stick to literal whiskey dicks, rather than figurative ones. For whatever reason, those awkward moments when my shirt gets stuck on my head sound better than awkward moments where I talk about how awesome it is to have irritable bowel syndrome to fill space.

thank you, thank you

From Mr.Sisters:

I really enjoy chatting with you too. I actually get excited to be able to read what you type, but it's weird because I don't feel this way about conversing with anyone else. Hence, you're a very special person who is funny, thoughtful, caring, nice, and entertaining. Considering that along with your beautiful personality and attractive looks, I would be crazy if I didn't want to date you. Of course, we'd need to meet each other in person first. That's at a later time, when we feel comfortable enough to do just that.

That's what I'm talking about. I mean, really, he can glean these things from a series of email conversations and it taken me 27 years to get to the point of just STARTING to see these things in myself? You're right, Mr. Sisters, I am a very special person. Furthermore, I AM funny, thoughtful, caring, nice AND entertaining. And yes, you'd be crazy to not want to date me. Geez, how did I miss these things in myself for so long, and how are you able to notice them so quickly?

Now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I am guaranteed going to date this man based solely on the fact that he realizes what a great catch I am. But, I am going to spend some time contemplating the fact that he sees something in me that I really haven't seen in myself for a very long time and that my past relationship (nickname to come soon), never saw? Or if he did, he rarely made it known? Crazy.

I have to move beyond the point of feeling like I have to hold up this picture of all of the horrible decisions I have made in the past as a reminder and continual conversation with myself saying things like "Here, look at this picture. Study it. Know it inside and out, upside down and backwards.Make sure you memorize every detail so that you don't ever make this same decision again." What's unfortunate and what I'm starting to realize is that if I continue to focus on the picture in front of me, I'm going to miss all of the other stuff going on around me and probably trip over my own feet or a little bump in the road. However, if I memorize the FEELING, and learn to recognize it quickly, maybe I won't. If I memorize the fact that, like Mr. Sisters said, I am a very special person I won't make the decision to put effort into someone who doesn't recognize that as gospel.

So, I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, and I don't really care. Its in the universe, enjoy if you choose. Comment if you have insights. Or don't. Doesn't matter, I'll be memorizing what it feels like to realize just how funny, caring, nice and entertaining I am.

a few more thoughts for the evening...

To the girl at barnes and noble very obviously on a first date... you don't have to laugh that loud, at everything he says in order for him to know that you think he's funny. Really! We all now know that you think he is funny, too.

To the woman on the phone in barnes and noble... the person on the other end may believe that you're mad, but, we don't. That is because approximately 64% of the customers in the store can hear you telling him all the reasons the decisions he is making are wrong. If you have to talk that loud, you're probably more upset than you're letting on.

To the biker boy from eharmony.... I'm bored already. And I haven't even met you yet. You don't need to consult me on how much facial hair you have "just in case we get into a relationship". I know that my last relationship was a hot mess and full of issues, but, talking to you is starting to feel like 3pm at the nursing home. zzzzzzzz.

To mr. sisters from eharmony.... your questions and answers are intriguing. I will continue to talk to you because I feel like you will help me on my journey of finding myself. I apologize in advance if you end up feeling used in this process. Unfortunately for you, the journey your questions are leading me on may result in taking a path that doesn't lead to you. But, thank you.

Another thought I had this evening: "Thank God they sell wine at Target." The sad, sad plans I have for my evening I'm sure were nothing but obvious to the cashier, however, if I had bought my $5 bottle of Chardonnay at a grocery store, with no other sustenance, I would be looked at as an alcoholic. Because I purchased my $5 bottle of wine with a sappy book about getting over a lost love at Target, I'm just a woman.

Now, onto my pathetic plans for the evening... Right after one more bowl of that delicious tortellini soup...

if you were in my head...

I've decided that I really wish that other people could experience the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I think they're funny, sometimes twisted, but nonetheless entertaining. I've decided I should start recording them. So, for my two followers out there, there may be several more short entries. Maybe that's the secret to blogging. If you do short entries, it doesn't feel like a chore? Ok, onto my thoughts...

I realized today that my diet for the last two days has consisted of only the following: tortellini soup (i'm on my fifth meal of tortellini soup... in three days), toast, and coffee. That's it. literally. I think that's pretty impressive.

I wonder if Max get's embarrassed when he is doing his business in front of me because I've noticed he has a tendency to avoid eye contact during the act. I know I would be embarrassed.

I amaze myself with my lack of productivity. I literally haven't taken a shower in two days. I keep telling myself its because I'm going to go to the gym. I'm sick and can barely breathe the gym is not in my future. Rationalizing the lack of shower is a work out in itself.

I really, really, really love Ellen. I'm seriously considering writing to her show to tell her how much I like her. And use my unemployment as a means of pulling on her heartstrings to get there.

I think I might hate Christmas. Or at least the crazy shoppers.

I'm getting to the point that I am so bored, I try to think of crazy things to do to fill my time... like falling on purpose in front of busy stores, just to see if anyone will help me. Or, being ridiculously obvious in flirting with someone, just to see if they'll notice. Apparently I have attention issues? That's a real time realization right there. Quality.

Two Sides

I recently have spent time contemplating many things (thanks to life), but in particular, the duality of so much of life. For example:

1. The the way that the sun has a particular way of shining and offering warmth when it is frigid outside.

2. The way that it feels to support someone who is experiencing some amazingly positive thing in their life when you are going through something that feels amazingly un-positive (and how those two things seem to be, quite often, mutually exclusive).

3. The strength in finding joy in sorrow.

4. The sorrow that truly seems to come when you least expect it.

5. The feeling of freedom that comes with forgiving yourself for not having all of the answers.

While each day is precious, that doesn't mean easy. At this moment, I'm exhausted, but inspired. It is difficult to feel tugged in two different directions by your own head and heart. Usually, my heart wins out. I'm a sucker for feelings, what can I say. Lately, I've been trying to let my head win.

Life Changes. But I feel the same.

Ok. It has been a while. Just an update... I got engaged. However, I refuse to become a "bridal blogger." While I appreciate some of their ideas they post, I cannot stand they way that they use acronyms for words that really don't require acronyms. Some of my favorites:

1. STD... No, not those sneaky genital infections that create misery and horror, Save The Dates. That's right, let's use the same acronym for those pesky infections of the southern hemisphere, as the cards we send out letting people know that those pesky infections didn't stop us from loving each other and wanting to spend our lives together... really?

2. FI... as in, FI-ance. I'm assuming this one is because for most of the women who would choose to actually use this acronym, fiance is a far too difficult word for them to spell.

3. MOB... Yes, that stands for Mother Of the Bride. Ironic? Yes. Necessary? Probably not.

In attempt to continue to use this as a cathartic means of expressing what I'm actually feeling, while hopefully injecting a little bit of humor into the process, let me be honest. PLANNING A WEDDING IS OVER-RATED.

That's right. I said it. Out loud. Sort of, if typing somewhat anonymously onto a blog which only my best friend is a follower of counts as "out loud." Nonetheless, the sentiment is the same. I'm almost a month in to being engaged and have not set one single stinking plan into stone. My favorite attempted wedding planning moment thus far was when Randy got frustrated that we hadn't picked a site yet and then stated in the same breath that he doesn't like to look at them online. Only to be followed by "Its about the marriage, not the wedding for me. I don't know if its the same for you... look at all the time and effort you're putting into planning the wedding." I laughed. Out loud, again.

It was in that moment that I knew that I must love him because there is no way that I could have restrained myself from using the bridal books and magazines that were strewn about our living room to beat him until he didn't know which way was up if I didn't. I then explained to him (calmly, of course, thanks to the beer I had earlier) that I was putting in all of that effort as a means of wanting everyone to know how much we love each other. Publicly. Again, with the out loud stuff, I know.

Regardless, we are going on round two of wedding site searching this weekend. We'll see how this turns out. I feel hopeful that it will be a better outcome. That almost made me sound like one of those "bridal bloggers" so I think I better stop typing now. Out loud.