thank you, thank you

From Mr.Sisters:

I really enjoy chatting with you too. I actually get excited to be able to read what you type, but it's weird because I don't feel this way about conversing with anyone else. Hence, you're a very special person who is funny, thoughtful, caring, nice, and entertaining. Considering that along with your beautiful personality and attractive looks, I would be crazy if I didn't want to date you. Of course, we'd need to meet each other in person first. That's at a later time, when we feel comfortable enough to do just that.

That's what I'm talking about. I mean, really, he can glean these things from a series of email conversations and it taken me 27 years to get to the point of just STARTING to see these things in myself? You're right, Mr. Sisters, I am a very special person. Furthermore, I AM funny, thoughtful, caring, nice AND entertaining. And yes, you'd be crazy to not want to date me. Geez, how did I miss these things in myself for so long, and how are you able to notice them so quickly?

Now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I am guaranteed going to date this man based solely on the fact that he realizes what a great catch I am. But, I am going to spend some time contemplating the fact that he sees something in me that I really haven't seen in myself for a very long time and that my past relationship (nickname to come soon), never saw? Or if he did, he rarely made it known? Crazy.

I have to move beyond the point of feeling like I have to hold up this picture of all of the horrible decisions I have made in the past as a reminder and continual conversation with myself saying things like "Here, look at this picture. Study it. Know it inside and out, upside down and backwards.Make sure you memorize every detail so that you don't ever make this same decision again." What's unfortunate and what I'm starting to realize is that if I continue to focus on the picture in front of me, I'm going to miss all of the other stuff going on around me and probably trip over my own feet or a little bump in the road. However, if I memorize the FEELING, and learn to recognize it quickly, maybe I won't. If I memorize the fact that, like Mr. Sisters said, I am a very special person I won't make the decision to put effort into someone who doesn't recognize that as gospel.

So, I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, and I don't really care. Its in the universe, enjoy if you choose. Comment if you have insights. Or don't. Doesn't matter, I'll be memorizing what it feels like to realize just how funny, caring, nice and entertaining I am.

a few more thoughts for the evening...

To the girl at barnes and noble very obviously on a first date... you don't have to laugh that loud, at everything he says in order for him to know that you think he's funny. Really! We all now know that you think he is funny, too.

To the woman on the phone in barnes and noble... the person on the other end may believe that you're mad, but, we don't. That is because approximately 64% of the customers in the store can hear you telling him all the reasons the decisions he is making are wrong. If you have to talk that loud, you're probably more upset than you're letting on.

To the biker boy from eharmony.... I'm bored already. And I haven't even met you yet. You don't need to consult me on how much facial hair you have "just in case we get into a relationship". I know that my last relationship was a hot mess and full of issues, but, talking to you is starting to feel like 3pm at the nursing home. zzzzzzzz.

To mr. sisters from eharmony.... your questions and answers are intriguing. I will continue to talk to you because I feel like you will help me on my journey of finding myself. I apologize in advance if you end up feeling used in this process. Unfortunately for you, the journey your questions are leading me on may result in taking a path that doesn't lead to you. But, thank you.

Another thought I had this evening: "Thank God they sell wine at Target." The sad, sad plans I have for my evening I'm sure were nothing but obvious to the cashier, however, if I had bought my $5 bottle of Chardonnay at a grocery store, with no other sustenance, I would be looked at as an alcoholic. Because I purchased my $5 bottle of wine with a sappy book about getting over a lost love at Target, I'm just a woman.

Now, onto my pathetic plans for the evening... Right after one more bowl of that delicious tortellini soup...

if you were in my head...

I've decided that I really wish that other people could experience the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I think they're funny, sometimes twisted, but nonetheless entertaining. I've decided I should start recording them. So, for my two followers out there, there may be several more short entries. Maybe that's the secret to blogging. If you do short entries, it doesn't feel like a chore? Ok, onto my thoughts...

I realized today that my diet for the last two days has consisted of only the following: tortellini soup (i'm on my fifth meal of tortellini soup... in three days), toast, and coffee. That's it. literally. I think that's pretty impressive.

I wonder if Max get's embarrassed when he is doing his business in front of me because I've noticed he has a tendency to avoid eye contact during the act. I know I would be embarrassed.

I amaze myself with my lack of productivity. I literally haven't taken a shower in two days. I keep telling myself its because I'm going to go to the gym. I'm sick and can barely breathe the gym is not in my future. Rationalizing the lack of shower is a work out in itself.

I really, really, really love Ellen. I'm seriously considering writing to her show to tell her how much I like her. And use my unemployment as a means of pulling on her heartstrings to get there.

I think I might hate Christmas. Or at least the crazy shoppers.

I'm getting to the point that I am so bored, I try to think of crazy things to do to fill my time... like falling on purpose in front of busy stores, just to see if anyone will help me. Or, being ridiculously obvious in flirting with someone, just to see if they'll notice. Apparently I have attention issues? That's a real time realization right there. Quality.

Two Sides

I recently have spent time contemplating many things (thanks to life), but in particular, the duality of so much of life. For example:

1. The the way that the sun has a particular way of shining and offering warmth when it is frigid outside.

2. The way that it feels to support someone who is experiencing some amazingly positive thing in their life when you are going through something that feels amazingly un-positive (and how those two things seem to be, quite often, mutually exclusive).

3. The strength in finding joy in sorrow.

4. The sorrow that truly seems to come when you least expect it.

5. The feeling of freedom that comes with forgiving yourself for not having all of the answers.

While each day is precious, that doesn't mean easy. At this moment, I'm exhausted, but inspired. It is difficult to feel tugged in two different directions by your own head and heart. Usually, my heart wins out. I'm a sucker for feelings, what can I say. Lately, I've been trying to let my head win.